let's be real.

I have a problem with food. Actually, it's probably better to say I am addicted to food. I have no idea when this addiction began, but I know it is time for me to closely examine the past years of my life so I am not left as unhappy as I have been lately. Being overweight is difficult. But yet, there is comfort in it. I can eat what I please when I please because I am already overweight... so what does it matter? I eat when I am bored, sad, annoyed, angry, and everything in between. I eat when I am not even hungry. It's become a habit and a nasty addiction. These past few weeks I have had to examine myself and my life because I have had a rough time. I have become overwhelmed with depression some days. And not just the feeling lethargic kind. The kind where you sit in the bathtub with the shower on for 45 minutes and just stare. Stare into space and feel so heavy you can't even get up. The Girl, Interrupted kind maybe? Then one night while talking with Tim I decided I could not live this way anymore. Old addictions besides food were trying to creep their way back into my life, and I had to shut the door to my heart that they once walked through or I might not get out alive. That night, October 14, I vowed to make changes. I vowed to try. Merely try. I told myself and I told Tim I would try for a year. I convinced myself that I can do any kind of eating plan for a year. Counting calories has had great results for me the past, so this was the plan I landed upon. I decided I would no longer keep this to myself, giving myself a way to eat unhealthy when I went out with friends or decided I just could not live without that scone. I needed the accountability, otherwise it would never be possible. Because having a deep addiction makes you a secretive and manipulative person. I manipulated my way to food for years, and I noticed those patterns reemerging with my husband, and that disgusted me beyond belief. I want to crave relationships, good conversation, bible time, and God. I want to crave God before anything, especially food.