Yesterday was a day with a wide range of emotions.

I had two different melt downs hours apart. And then something wonderful happened in between.

In the morning, I dropped my computer and it was loud and painful and awful. I immediately started to cry, large and fast tears. My mom came to comfort me and tell me it was okay, that I am under a bit of stress and I need to be good to myself. I was grateful for her in that moment. Sometimes you just need your mother. Then Tim came to pick me up for church and he did not call me stupid or make me feel ashamed. He reassured me the computer was fine, even though the frame was completely bent out of shape and ugly.

At night, we went to Target and I wanted to buy a pair of jeans, but I did not have the money so Tim let me borrow a twenty dollar bill. He casually took it out of his wallet in the men's section and put it in my hand. We walked around more, picked up more random things, and finally got to the register. Suddenly I realized I had no idea where I had put the money. At first I just realized it was not in my hand, but I assumed I had put it in my purse. After minutes of searching, it was apparent I must have dropped it. I was furious. I had really wanted those shorts and I had lost Tim's money that he had worked hard for.

As I look back on the day, I realize that those instances are almost exactly the same. I was strangely upset about both of them, to the point of crying and not being able to let them go. Tim continually asked me why the money was so important, it was not bothering him nearly as much as it was bothering me. My mom had similar questions, was it really the end of the world if I needed a new computer? I just sobbed, saying Tim and I could not afford a new computer. I realize now that neither instance was about the money. It was about me feeling stupid. It was about me feeling careless and reckless and irresponsible. I know that I am hard on myself, but I felt like both of those instances could have easily been prevented if I had just been paying more attention, and that was hard to swallow.

Tim's words of reassurance in the car had me constantly repeating in my mind that our treasure is in Heaven, not on earth. I do not want to treasure a pair of shorts or my computer more than Christ. I do not want to be so attached to my things that it causes me to be emotionally distraught when they are in jeopardy. It is a difficult lesson to learn, and I fear that it will take more than a day to practice, but I am confident that a life filled with people that I hold dear instead of possessions is a beautiful life. And praise God that he is gracious and merciful when we make careless mistakes. I do not need to beat myself up, I do not need to be controlled by my emotions, because I serve a God who loves me no matter what. Always.

And then somewhere in the middle of those episodes, we got the keys to our new apartment. Our apartment. Tim looked at me and repeated those same words many times yesterday. It was one of the most exhilarating experiences ever. Everything is falling into place for us to be prepared to start our new lives together. Today was another reminder that I have chosen the perfect man for me to spend my life with. He is strong where I am weak, and he will carry me when I am too distraught to continue to try. He will always be by my side, helping me see the light and bask in the truth.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I can totally relate to how you experienced those circumstances - I do the same thing! It's a hard lesson to learn, but you're taking the first step by being able to recognize why you felt that way. I'm glad you're surrounded by Godly, wise peeps!!